This is for a friend who asked if I would be willing to help in out in a poetry project he has got going, the topic is Now
Now is our fragile point in time
When our lives are hanging in the balance
And Friendships are all that we have to hold onto
Now is a life full of long nights
Followed by sore bodies
We live here in our moment
Not worrying about things that people tell us to
Things of the future
Things that are meant to change us
Things that were made to destroy our youth
But we refuse to worry
We refuse to be stopped or changed
We do not passively resist the bonds that are sought to be placed on us
We shatter them with our form of revolution
Making small changes in society's view of how things should be
How a person should dress
How a person should act
How they should react
We are the revolution of today
We our now
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Nights Like These
3 Weeks Later
I am a fool. A no good, dirty, rotten, fool. I set up these rules for myself so that I would leave no strings. I did not want to give anyone, including myself false hope for what my bleak future holds. Yet now I am in a position to leave a woman that I love behind. Why do I do this to myself? I am completely and utterly smitten by a woman who is far above what I deserve. Her name is Morgan, We met a few weeks back during a night at the bar. I cannot remember most of it due to the fact that my blackouts have been coming in at fairly regular intervals, but i do remember one thing. The way that I felt when I woke up in her arms the next morning. Joy, I never thought, that word or anything like it would find its way back into my vocabulary, but that selfish act, in a life in which I have been trying to lose all that remains of my desires, made me happy, and it is one of the scariest realizations that I have ever come to. The most terrifying was when i realized that eventually I am going to have to tell Morgan whats wrong.
I am a fool. A no good, dirty, rotten, fool. I set up these rules for myself so that I would leave no strings. I did not want to give anyone, including myself false hope for what my bleak future holds. Yet now I am in a position to leave a woman that I love behind. Why do I do this to myself? I am completely and utterly smitten by a woman who is far above what I deserve. Her name is Morgan, We met a few weeks back during a night at the bar. I cannot remember most of it due to the fact that my blackouts have been coming in at fairly regular intervals, but i do remember one thing. The way that I felt when I woke up in her arms the next morning. Joy, I never thought, that word or anything like it would find its way back into my vocabulary, but that selfish act, in a life in which I have been trying to lose all that remains of my desires, made me happy, and it is one of the scariest realizations that I have ever come to. The most terrifying was when i realized that eventually I am going to have to tell Morgan whats wrong.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Society
I think this song fits perfectly with how I am feelin right now
Oh, it's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
When you want more than you have
You think you need...
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that...
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Oh, it's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
When you want more than you have
You think you need...
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that...
Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Last Post For A While
So I am taking a break for a bit because I will be far far away from civilization until the 12th of July.
The Viking
He stands in complete solitude. Piercings, gauges, and tattoos are the flags that he flies and chaos is his cry. Non-conformity is his way of life; he is at home with the outcasts, the dregs of a modern urban conservatism. Nothing can stand in the way of his goals. They are deeply rooted in his heart of hearts and by his strong wit and sharp tongue they are protected. These are the weapons with which he makes bitter enemies and friends that are closer than family. He lives as a man who is infamous among none.
The Viking
He stands in complete solitude. Piercings, gauges, and tattoos are the flags that he flies and chaos is his cry. Non-conformity is his way of life; he is at home with the outcasts, the dregs of a modern urban conservatism. Nothing can stand in the way of his goals. They are deeply rooted in his heart of hearts and by his strong wit and sharp tongue they are protected. These are the weapons with which he makes bitter enemies and friends that are closer than family. He lives as a man who is infamous among none.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Nights Like These
5 Days Later
It’s been 5 days, 5 days and no sleep. 120 hours without a wink. I have no idea why either. In fact the only time that I haven't been conscious in the past 5 days has been when I blackout. This has been happening more and more lately. Honestly I'm a little thankful for the 5 to 10 minutes of REM, if you can call it that. It’s kinda funny, when your brain loses touch, Your body becomes stiff like a long night spent on the bathroom floor, and your brain starts working overtime like the engine of an '87 civic that somebody's trying to drive on the freeway in first gear. Nothing like 10,000 RPM's screaming to the heavens whilst little bits of transmission start to drop out the bottom of the little ricer. I said before that I wanted to remember my last days as the best of my life, but without any sleep I feel like a junkie needing a fix. I can't really remember what went on the past few days but I'm pretty sure that I got drunk at least once.
The Next Day
Quit my job today. Figured some shit out and I've got enough in my savings that if I sell my car I'll have enough money to live well for a little over a year. I don't plan on living that long so I think I might just say to divide it amongst my friends when I'm gone. Oh yeah, my mom figured out what happened. That was a fun conversation; my dad had the same thing happen to him as well as my granddad. Dad got hooked up to tubes for a couple months before he kicked it, and gamps never knew what hit him. I think that it will take a while for her to come to grips with it but she's strong. That’s why I'm not going to another doctor, I don't want to walk in and get hooked into a machine, I'd rather spend that time with her.
It’s been 5 days, 5 days and no sleep. 120 hours without a wink. I have no idea why either. In fact the only time that I haven't been conscious in the past 5 days has been when I blackout. This has been happening more and more lately. Honestly I'm a little thankful for the 5 to 10 minutes of REM, if you can call it that. It’s kinda funny, when your brain loses touch, Your body becomes stiff like a long night spent on the bathroom floor, and your brain starts working overtime like the engine of an '87 civic that somebody's trying to drive on the freeway in first gear. Nothing like 10,000 RPM's screaming to the heavens whilst little bits of transmission start to drop out the bottom of the little ricer. I said before that I wanted to remember my last days as the best of my life, but without any sleep I feel like a junkie needing a fix. I can't really remember what went on the past few days but I'm pretty sure that I got drunk at least once.
The Next Day
Quit my job today. Figured some shit out and I've got enough in my savings that if I sell my car I'll have enough money to live well for a little over a year. I don't plan on living that long so I think I might just say to divide it amongst my friends when I'm gone. Oh yeah, my mom figured out what happened. That was a fun conversation; my dad had the same thing happen to him as well as my granddad. Dad got hooked up to tubes for a couple months before he kicked it, and gamps never knew what hit him. I think that it will take a while for her to come to grips with it but she's strong. That’s why I'm not going to another doctor, I don't want to walk in and get hooked into a machine, I'd rather spend that time with her.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Nights Like These (continuation)
New addition
I think that the hardest thing about this whole mess is that I am going to die young and alone. Every single hope and dream, every goal that I have ever had, it all just seems to pale in comparison to my current situation. The fact that I will never get married, have kids, or even finish school. It all just a mater of coming to grips with it all, my dreams of traveling the world or opening my own business, its all dead and gone, just like I will be.
A Few Days Later
I still haven't told anyone, I'm not planning to either. I don't want my friends to think of differently about me because they know how little time that I have left. All that I really want is to as I have been, because every precious moment that I have left is special, and I need to live it to the fullest.
Later On The Same Day
Wrapped my car around a tree today. I think that it was an oak. Funny thing about it is that the medic told me that I am lucky to be alive. I honestly couldn't hold back a laugh, if he only knew just what was wrong with me.
I think that the hardest thing about this whole mess is that I am going to die young and alone. Every single hope and dream, every goal that I have ever had, it all just seems to pale in comparison to my current situation. The fact that I will never get married, have kids, or even finish school. It all just a mater of coming to grips with it all, my dreams of traveling the world or opening my own business, its all dead and gone, just like I will be.
A Few Days Later
I still haven't told anyone, I'm not planning to either. I don't want my friends to think of differently about me because they know how little time that I have left. All that I really want is to as I have been, because every precious moment that I have left is special, and I need to live it to the fullest.
Later On The Same Day
Wrapped my car around a tree today. I think that it was an oak. Funny thing about it is that the medic told me that I am lucky to be alive. I honestly couldn't hold back a laugh, if he only knew just what was wrong with me.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Nights Like These
Another rough draft
Its nights like these that make me feel poetic, er at least wishing I was. My sorry excuses for rhythm and free verse combinations pale in comparison to what my heart feels. You see I am an ordinary man. Not much of a looker, I don't stand out in a crowd, nor do I try to. So why do I write? Because inside this ordinary man is a unique brain that cannot be tamed, something beautifully chaotic is locked inside my head, and it screams to get out.
This is gonna be a long night I think as I walk up Drew's driveway, a case of beer in one hand, and pieces of what used to be my cell phone in the other. Walking into the place I set the beer down to the mild cheers of my close friends and try to avoid answering questions about my phone. I crack open a cold PBR, light up a cigarette and take a seat on the couch. Our conversations waft around like the smoke from the end of our cigarettes, floating through the air and into the night as we talk on and on.
I step outside to the men’s room and take in the relatively warm February night. Basking in it, I looked up to see the lights of the city reflecting off the clouds, the night air cooling my warm skin, I take it all in with a deep exhale. This night makes the pain almost worth it.
Everyday is becoming more and more of a struggle. I had a mild stroke while at work a few weeks ago, 22 years old and I got a freaking stroke. I don't want anybody's charity, and I am through with hospitals, which is the main reason why I haven't told anybody. All I want to do is hang out with my friends while I wait out what time I have left in my life. The doctors couldn't tell me how long I've got, but they said I probably won't make it through the year.
That was a shocker, since the stroke my mind shuts off for a few seconds every once and a while, that’s why I dropped my phone, I remember getting into my car trying to juggle the beer, my phone, and my keys, then next thing I know I'm in the car watching my phone clatter down my windshield and onto the parking lot as I back up. They told me that alcohol and tobacco wouldn't help things but I figure that if I'm going to die I might as well go out on my own terms.
"Hey man, you alright?" Drew asks.
Ah shit. It happened again; I play it off like I was just in deep thought and tell him not to worry about it.
Its nights like these that make me feel poetic, er at least wishing I was. My sorry excuses for rhythm and free verse combinations pale in comparison to what my heart feels. You see I am an ordinary man. Not much of a looker, I don't stand out in a crowd, nor do I try to. So why do I write? Because inside this ordinary man is a unique brain that cannot be tamed, something beautifully chaotic is locked inside my head, and it screams to get out.
This is gonna be a long night I think as I walk up Drew's driveway, a case of beer in one hand, and pieces of what used to be my cell phone in the other. Walking into the place I set the beer down to the mild cheers of my close friends and try to avoid answering questions about my phone. I crack open a cold PBR, light up a cigarette and take a seat on the couch. Our conversations waft around like the smoke from the end of our cigarettes, floating through the air and into the night as we talk on and on.
I step outside to the men’s room and take in the relatively warm February night. Basking in it, I looked up to see the lights of the city reflecting off the clouds, the night air cooling my warm skin, I take it all in with a deep exhale. This night makes the pain almost worth it.
Everyday is becoming more and more of a struggle. I had a mild stroke while at work a few weeks ago, 22 years old and I got a freaking stroke. I don't want anybody's charity, and I am through with hospitals, which is the main reason why I haven't told anybody. All I want to do is hang out with my friends while I wait out what time I have left in my life. The doctors couldn't tell me how long I've got, but they said I probably won't make it through the year.
That was a shocker, since the stroke my mind shuts off for a few seconds every once and a while, that’s why I dropped my phone, I remember getting into my car trying to juggle the beer, my phone, and my keys, then next thing I know I'm in the car watching my phone clatter down my windshield and onto the parking lot as I back up. They told me that alcohol and tobacco wouldn't help things but I figure that if I'm going to die I might as well go out on my own terms.
"Hey man, you alright?" Drew asks.
Ah shit. It happened again; I play it off like I was just in deep thought and tell him not to worry about it.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Vulnerability
This is a talk that I've been working on for a while. I'll probably never give it to a crowd, but I think that It still needs to be said. Enjoy
Little fun fact about me that you may not know. I'm a loud person, and I tend to be long winded, especially when I talk about God, so you may want to get comfy cause today we're going on a ride that might make you squirm. I'm talking about being vulnerable. I have struggled with his for my entire life. This is partly because from Pre-school till the 12th grade I went to a private Christian school, and while I learned a great many things from this school the thing that I learned above all else was to maintain a level of limited vulnerability.
What I mean by this was that I learned to hide my sin. I learned that if I could hide my sin from others, I would suddenly be looked upon as a model Christian. I could get out of trouble easier because I was a leader, who made the occasional small mistake and everyone knew that I would own up to it. They saw me as someone who had already repented, and should be followed. Truth is that is the last thing that needed to be happened. I traded sins. I would admit to things that were small in the eyes of men so I could hide what was really going down behind the scenes. I had pulled God down from his Holy throne in heaven and make him look just like me.
I was living in fear of those around me. Instead of laying my sin on the cross for all people to see I was hiding from God and living in fear of what earthly retribution there could be for my sin. To this day I still find myself doing sometimes, and I'm sick of it. I am through hiding myself from God, because it’s pointless. If I truly believe that He is all knowing why do I run from him and do things that I know hurt Him? I want to put my sin out there. I want to be courageous.
Matthew 9:19-22 speak about this in a more beautiful and awesome way than I possibly ever could: 19 So Jesus and his disciples got up and went with him. 20 Just then a woman who had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding came up behind him. She touched the fringe of his robe, 21 for she thought, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” 22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
This woman knew exactly what it means to vulnerable. She had been bleeding for twelve years. She most likely had spent all her money on doctors and healers and now was forced to live in streets. Her people most likely thought of her as unclean and she would have been banished from all social gathering places, forced to beg she would crawl around filled with self shame most likely believing that this disease was brought about by her sin against God. Put yourself into her shoes. Imagine crawling through a crowd of people that is made up of those who used to be your friends and neighbors but have now turned your back on you to the point that if they touch you they feel a sudden urge to run home and take a shower.
In today's terms I think it would be along the same lines as all the sins that you have ever committed being broadcast on the 5 o'clock news. Every single dark thing that you and I have ever done being displayed as if a trail of blood, so that we would have no place to hide. And no matter how much it pains me to say this; I honestly think that would be the best thing that could ever happen to any of us. Personally it would force me to stand before each and every one of you and own up. I would have to look you in the eye knowing that you know every single filthy intimate detail about my life. Yet I would rejoice, because if this happened I would be able to do nothing but reach out my hand and touch the hem of Jesus' cloak and pray that He would forgive me for slapping him in the face every day of my life. Gone would be the idea that I can hide my sin, and at the end of every day I would look to Jesus and hold on, because honestly that’s all that me or you or anyone else for that matter really has.
Guess what? The glorious truth of it all is that every single persons sins, including your own, down to last unspoken thought has been exposed to God as if it really were on the news. He knows you and I better than we are willing to admit. He knows us down to our deepest darkest cores. But in this we have great joy! He has forgiven you and me for every single sin before we even knew that we were going to commit it. He did it so we can rejoice in the fact, not that our sins are not real, but that they are real, and because of his grace our Savior is real.
Honestly I don't think that I could ever say that enough. I hope that somebody, anybody, including myself might truly believe it. Because I know that by the time I'm done writing this I will probably have already forgotten it, and I will probably be thinking of new ways to hide my sin. But that is not what the Christian life is really about is it? It’s about coming to grips the cold hard reality of who we are and start being vulnerable about the sins that we commit in our lives. If there is one thing that American Christians need to learn more about today is that we need to be open about our sins to one another. So that in our boldness we may invite others into where we are hiding so that we may hide there no longer. This is what being vulnerable is really about.
Little fun fact about me that you may not know. I'm a loud person, and I tend to be long winded, especially when I talk about God, so you may want to get comfy cause today we're going on a ride that might make you squirm. I'm talking about being vulnerable. I have struggled with his for my entire life. This is partly because from Pre-school till the 12th grade I went to a private Christian school, and while I learned a great many things from this school the thing that I learned above all else was to maintain a level of limited vulnerability.
What I mean by this was that I learned to hide my sin. I learned that if I could hide my sin from others, I would suddenly be looked upon as a model Christian. I could get out of trouble easier because I was a leader, who made the occasional small mistake and everyone knew that I would own up to it. They saw me as someone who had already repented, and should be followed. Truth is that is the last thing that needed to be happened. I traded sins. I would admit to things that were small in the eyes of men so I could hide what was really going down behind the scenes. I had pulled God down from his Holy throne in heaven and make him look just like me.
I was living in fear of those around me. Instead of laying my sin on the cross for all people to see I was hiding from God and living in fear of what earthly retribution there could be for my sin. To this day I still find myself doing sometimes, and I'm sick of it. I am through hiding myself from God, because it’s pointless. If I truly believe that He is all knowing why do I run from him and do things that I know hurt Him? I want to put my sin out there. I want to be courageous.
Matthew 9:19-22 speak about this in a more beautiful and awesome way than I possibly ever could: 19 So Jesus and his disciples got up and went with him. 20 Just then a woman who had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding came up behind him. She touched the fringe of his robe, 21 for she thought, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” 22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
This woman knew exactly what it means to vulnerable. She had been bleeding for twelve years. She most likely had spent all her money on doctors and healers and now was forced to live in streets. Her people most likely thought of her as unclean and she would have been banished from all social gathering places, forced to beg she would crawl around filled with self shame most likely believing that this disease was brought about by her sin against God. Put yourself into her shoes. Imagine crawling through a crowd of people that is made up of those who used to be your friends and neighbors but have now turned your back on you to the point that if they touch you they feel a sudden urge to run home and take a shower.
In today's terms I think it would be along the same lines as all the sins that you have ever committed being broadcast on the 5 o'clock news. Every single dark thing that you and I have ever done being displayed as if a trail of blood, so that we would have no place to hide. And no matter how much it pains me to say this; I honestly think that would be the best thing that could ever happen to any of us. Personally it would force me to stand before each and every one of you and own up. I would have to look you in the eye knowing that you know every single filthy intimate detail about my life. Yet I would rejoice, because if this happened I would be able to do nothing but reach out my hand and touch the hem of Jesus' cloak and pray that He would forgive me for slapping him in the face every day of my life. Gone would be the idea that I can hide my sin, and at the end of every day I would look to Jesus and hold on, because honestly that’s all that me or you or anyone else for that matter really has.
Guess what? The glorious truth of it all is that every single persons sins, including your own, down to last unspoken thought has been exposed to God as if it really were on the news. He knows you and I better than we are willing to admit. He knows us down to our deepest darkest cores. But in this we have great joy! He has forgiven you and me for every single sin before we even knew that we were going to commit it. He did it so we can rejoice in the fact, not that our sins are not real, but that they are real, and because of his grace our Savior is real.
Honestly I don't think that I could ever say that enough. I hope that somebody, anybody, including myself might truly believe it. Because I know that by the time I'm done writing this I will probably have already forgotten it, and I will probably be thinking of new ways to hide my sin. But that is not what the Christian life is really about is it? It’s about coming to grips the cold hard reality of who we are and start being vulnerable about the sins that we commit in our lives. If there is one thing that American Christians need to learn more about today is that we need to be open about our sins to one another. So that in our boldness we may invite others into where we are hiding so that we may hide there no longer. This is what being vulnerable is really about.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Snapshot or Young James McCanny (working title) Draft 1
Snapshot or young James McCanny
Who are these people? I don't even know who half of them are. Do they even realize where they are? Shit. I knew something like this would happen. These two worlds can never mesh cohesively. James would make it work though. I wish he were here, he would just slide in smoothly making sure mom's friends and his friends were getting along and just to rile things up probably slip in a conversation that would be sure to make mom and dad shit themselves. God I love that kid.
Look at this crowd; I never thought I'd see this happen. High class people hangin out with gutter punks like us. Kinda makes me wish I had a suit, not really. Ha! Me in a suit, the simple fact that I'm in a tie should be good enough. Some of the guys could probably pull it off, but me? No way. Oh, well time to find everyone. Is that James' sister? I think I'll go introduce myself.
God why am I here? James and I just met not two weeks ago, and he never could get my name right. Then again a lot can happen in one short week. Especially in a town like this, time seems to move slower here, maybe it’s the cliques. Everyone talking just to their circle, never really taking the opportunity to meet those below them. People like me.
How did James ever meet these people? I knew I should have sent him to college out of state. Somewhere Ivy League, where McCanny's truly belong. Too late now. I've lost him to the dregs, to the outcasts, how could I have ever have chased him away like this? How could I have been so foolish?
Thomas
Oh buddy there's a lot of people here. I think it'd still be best to let everyone settle before I begin. James sure has been gone a long while now, and no one expected him to come back like this. But then again he did say that when he came back he'd be bringing friends home. I just don think he meant it like this. Well I guess I had better get things stated.
Emily
Who are these people? I don't even know who half of them are. Do they even realize where they are? Shit. I knew something like this would happen. These two worlds can never mesh cohesively. James would make it work though. I wish he were here, he would just slide in smoothly making sure mom's friends and his friends were getting along and just to rile things up probably slip in a conversation that would be sure to make mom and dad shit themselves. God I love that kid.
Brian
Look at this crowd; I never thought I'd see this happen. High class people hangin out with gutter punks like us. Kinda makes me wish I had a suit, not really. Ha! Me in a suit, the simple fact that I'm in a tie should be good enough. Some of the guys could probably pull it off, but me? No way. Oh, well time to find everyone. Is that James' sister? I think I'll go introduce myself.
Jess
God why am I here? James and I just met not two weeks ago, and he never could get my name right. Then again a lot can happen in one short week. Especially in a town like this, time seems to move slower here, maybe it’s the cliques. Everyone talking just to their circle, never really taking the opportunity to meet those below them. People like me.
Marie
How did James ever meet these people? I knew I should have sent him to college out of state. Somewhere Ivy League, where McCanny's truly belong. Too late now. I've lost him to the dregs, to the outcasts, how could I have ever have chased him away like this? How could I have been so foolish?
Thomas
Nice place. Too bad it’s full of pricks. Oh well at least I got to pull my suit out for the occasion. Man what I would give to be able to twist the sticks these old farts have up their asses. This isn't really the place to do that though, just not right considering. Now where could a man find a drink to ease the mingling process?
Eric
Oh buddy there's a lot of people here. I think it'd still be best to let everyone settle before I begin. James sure has been gone a long while now, and no one expected him to come back like this. But then again he did say that when he came back he'd be bringing friends home. I just don think he meant it like this. Well I guess I had better get things stated.
"Friends, family, and loved ones, we are here today to celebrate the life, of young James McCanny..."
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
25 hours
It’s amazing what can happen in such a short time, two shifts at work, a planning meeting, and a night full of bonding. I wouldn’t have traded the past 25 hours for anything in the world. The ups and downs and the admittance of confusion. I think that the stuff I was complaining about in my last post has changed, sure I haven't gotten much more clarity or cojones on the matter, but I have been encouraged. Sometimes that’s all it takes
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Life As I Know It
Why do I doubt?
Why do I continue on in a struggle I'm not sure I still believe in?
When will I know what to do?
When will things go right?
Should I press onward in this path I am following?
Or should I forge off onto a new trail?
Should I take my chances Or should I play my cards close to my chest and wait it out?
All these questions and more have been going through my head in the past couple weeks, besides not having a clue of what I should be doing, I also have been having more trouble getting stoked about day to day things, like getting out of bed, or going to work, or playing soccer, or tinkering with my banjo. I think I’m tired of being alone all the time, but I don't know what to do.
Why do I continue on in a struggle I'm not sure I still believe in?
When will I know what to do?
When will things go right?
Should I press onward in this path I am following?
Or should I forge off onto a new trail?
Should I take my chances Or should I play my cards close to my chest and wait it out?
All these questions and more have been going through my head in the past couple weeks, besides not having a clue of what I should be doing, I also have been having more trouble getting stoked about day to day things, like getting out of bed, or going to work, or playing soccer, or tinkering with my banjo. I think I’m tired of being alone all the time, but I don't know what to do.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Wow it’s been a while. I guess you could say that I took an involuntary break, as in I don't have a computer... Any who, a lot has been going on lately, I feel like God is gearing me up for a big push; it’s been a great time. Yeah not really, I feel like I go through day to day in a haze. Then randomly something happens that takes me back a few steps or brings me to my knees. Take for example this past week, Christmas day I was in a funk, taking everything in, having a good time, but then again, it seemed that I was moving slowly. Then the next day I woke up with the right side of my face swollen immensely, I have an abscessed tooth, I guess I'm finally paying the piper for not brushing my teeth as a kid. Well that woke me out of the funk. I worked both jobs and barely got through it, going to my parents house that night and waking up with a bigger face and a black eye from the swelling. So now I have to figure out some way to pay a 600 dollar dental bill. Really what I'm wondering is what is God trying to tell me through this. I'm applying for an internship with a young life camp for the summer, or at least I would like to, my focus has been on this for the past few weeks of prayer. Not my will but his. Is this God's way of simplifying the choice? But really what is he saying? Should I stay or should I go?
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